Well if it hasn't just been forever.
Why bother even writing? Well. I just read back over old stuff from…can it be? 8 years ago. That feels like so long. I just felt I should update. I miss the computer lab at cal arts. I miss the big clanky keyboard. That was always so satisfying to type on. Laptop computer keys aren't as satisfying.
Whatever. I am living in a beautiful apartment in Los Feliz with Tommy and our cats. I love my life. I am an hiatus right now from Robot Chicken. I have a terrible sunburn on my legs and I have been couch ridden all day. Tommy has been running oatmeal baths for me and it helps a lot.
He said after I read him some of my old entries…"Wow, you really had a problem with your dad smoking weed huh?" Yeah, I guess I did. Things all kind of boiled up to that point when mama and dada split. But now they are slowly…better. Just better. Like the baby bird thing. It blows my mind.
I feel so much older now. But overall so much happier. I love my apartment. I love Tommy. I love our cats and our kitchen and our fridge and everything. I am so much happier here than I was in that old blue room on friar st. So. So. So much happier.
I definitely should write more though. I feel like I've lost that certain….i don't know. natural poetry that used to come to me when I looked at anything. Life just doesn't seem that magical anymore. Is that sad? Tommy says its sad.
maybe that will be something I need to work at cultivating within myself again. Something I open my eye to. The magic….Lets see.
What is magic right now? The fox head. The giant fox head is magic. Our room is magic. Our relationship, for the most part, is magic. Poetry readings are magic. Laying by the pool with Lindsey is magic….
What isn't? Working your life away. Missing Camille and Clark. Not traveling. Being scared all the fucking time. Not making art. Being sunburnt. Boo.
Time to read back on even older stuff now. Lets see how deep we can get. And if Tommy tells me to stop.
Feeling pretty low.
The weekend was nice though. I stayed at home for the most part with my mom and Eva. I made lasagna and jalapeno cheese bread.
Jasons friends deleted me on Facebook. It seems so stupid to be upset over. But none the less I am. I know these people. I have their phone numbers. :(
I just dont see why it was necessary.
Alot to be thankful for. So much to be thankful for. I am working. I am breathing. I have a wonderful house that I live in. I just cant seem to fight these low feelings right now.
I suppose I should go to bed.
Just stalked Ron on face book and his website. Feeling pretty shitty. I miss him.
I wish I was in Africa. Doing something with my life. Instead of siting here in the stupid Valley doing nothing and helping no one. How do I get my feet off the ground? How do I start? Where is my head? Where is my heart?
I just woke up in a hot fuss from an awful dream. I knew I shouldnt have watched all those videos last night. That mental space is the same I occupy when I am having one of my episodes....only for a different reason.
I had a dream that Jason was sick. Like sick to his stomach sick. And he was trying to hide it from me but there were drops on the floor and on his clothes and he had it all in his hair. I was terrified. I didnt know what to do. i didnt want to be around him because I was afraid that he was contagious. I started asking him all these questions like was he feeling bad all day? And why didn't he tell me? And did his stomach hurt or did he just feel nauseous?
But I didn't really get any kind of answers I wanted. He just shrugged it off.
The second part of the dream was I was at his house which wasn't his as I know it, it was a dream house. And I was in the kitchen with him and all of his room mates and they were all eating out of a huge paint bucket that had raw chicken and noodles and pickles in it all in water floating around or something. I was naturally recoiled in fear. I had been asking Jason what I thought made him sick and he said it was probably chemicals at the shop or something. Everyone was saying how good the noodles from the bucket were so I took some and ate it. Then I noticed the whole rim on the inside of the bucket had about two inches deep of mold and I started saying "Thats why you were sick Jason!" But no body cared and they all kept eating it...I was trying to spit out what I ate in the sink but it was already so far down my throat I couldn't pull the last pieces up and I knew I had swallowed them.
The anxiety started as I made my way to another part of the kitchen and then all those feelings came to mind. What its like to be sick, the feeling in your throat. And then I lost it. I started screaming and holding my head. One of his friends kind of laughed and Jason looked shocked. I ran out of te kitchen crying hysterically and holding my head. I was knocking into tables and door frames on the way out until I got out side. I knew Jason would follow me out and I would be like "Well now you know I crazy." I was crying so hard and shaking my head, and anxious, just a fucking wreck like I used to be.
I know Im healthy now and Im not starving because I am afraid of food, but damn I just hate those dreams that put those thoughts right back in my head.
I hope Jason never sees me like that.
My amazing soul mate...
I can take a pretty neat photo if I do say so myself.
Me and Morgan at Christmas time 2008. I think this picture is my favorite of us together. We were singing ' Oh Christmas Tree'.
Me in Morgan and I's old apartment on Vermont Ave. We couldn't sleep one night because the apartment was so hot so he got out his camera and we fooled around with lights.
And my aren't my breasts just dangling wildly in my old apartment doing dishes. Quite scandalous. I should go red again.
Spring time trampoline fun with Jason.
Yes, he makes me weak...
Until next time. That may even be in a few mins. Oy.
Whats so amazing that I have to stop the presses? Not a damn thing.
I spent the better part of my night looking up all things awful on YouTube. What a productive waste of time. On the bright side, Ana videos are losing their appeal to me. I dont feel inspired at all....which I actually think is a first. So maybe that is breaking news. Not that anyone besides Eva even knew my thoughts turned there. Yep, no inspiration, no little flicker in me, no sleeping monster peeping its eye at the tiny girls. I hate that monster.
"Park far away, only juice today, take the stairs...." and so on.
At least until I pms or have a bad day or Jason refuses to stay over or I find page after page of GodsGirls urls on his computer featuring a million and one thin as a pin little waifs with dyed hair and tattoos. I just dont get it. Or maybe I do and thats why it friggin hurts. Im curvy, with brown hair, not a tattoo on me....and he loves me? But jerks it to the suicide girl bowl huggers. OK, I SO get it. Not. I wonder if i will truly understand him.
Is it odd that he said the reason he loves me is because I am crazier than him? Is that odd? He loves me because I zone out and freak out and am a damn mess driving around in a busted old can and need to take a shower most days. I bet.
In other randomness, I met Aimee for an early dinner at this tiny vegan place just down the street from here on Melrose. It was just perfect. I went off in a fantasy again about my little life and how I should start riding my bike everywhere and how I could ride there and eat tofu and brown rice and be super healthy and thin from biking. I have this image...this movie me. God, everybody does. Me this summer, in my fantasy: Poppn fresh thin and fit tan and white teeth vegan money makin sex machine. Yeah. I have to pee. AGAIN.
I wanted to post some pictures. It has been so long since I did that. I think since I was with Braun.
What an annoying waste of girl.
I have had four weeks off and I cant say I have done anything at all. I tanned once. I read Carrie. I cleaned my apartment once. Haven't drawn anything worth anybody's time. I haven't written at all. I am literally lying around in my own filth.
I dont even see the point of getting dressed.
And even worse is Jason. He is working so much. I know he thinks about me but its hard to be happy about it because it just doesnt seem like he really is thinking about me. Or that he wants to see me even. hes always tired or not feeling well. Maybe i am being harsh.
uhg. i cant even write right now i dont know what it is i want to say. I cant make thoughts. i have so much i should be doing.
i dont even want to write about it!!! i dont careee!!!!! fuking a. why do i feel so stagnant. i dont want to deal with anything. i just want to be over today.
i obsess about jason. i jhave too much time on my hands. i need something to do. i look at his pictures. i just drive my self crazy. maybe if i get really skinny he will want to fuck me.
to even be in contact again???
jason is sleeping in my bed. my life is different.
my apartment is a messs.
what else is there to say?
i am a stranger to myself.
clean clean clean......
I guess you could say I am pretty depressed right now.
All of the stuff that has been going on....I am so tired from it. Exhausted really. i am tired of crying. I am tired of not knowing what to do. Not knowing what decision is best, what will bring me more happiness and less heartache.
i put an offer on an apartment. As of now i can afford it. But what will happen in 3 months when The spiderman job ends? What then? I am going to try and save as much as I can. it amazing how my period comes like clockwork now. The 21st of every month. I can already feel the cramps and shits coming. Uhg. I hope I am okay at work today. i will have to barrel through the pain. bring a bottle of motrin with me. I have a lot of anxiety because I left the work oven on with all of the foam rubber muscles inside. That was such a stupid move. why didnt I talk to john????? I was so distracted yesterday.
my flowers are dying on the kitchen window sill. The blueberries and raspberries i bought are sitting in the fridge untouched. Morgan and I dont get naked. I dont want to. I dont want to be naked. I dont want to see him naked. He has been so good to me. What next? holidays with no excitement? and empty feeling? Both of us hollowed to the core with our seeds rattling around inside of us? No touching....just I love you's that are true....but so sad and so empty.
Grandma....what would you do? What do you think? I need your wisdom and thoughts...I wish you were here to see me as a woman now. I feel so low. I am an overflowing well. I feel like an ocean with tides in me. Swelling and ebbing away.
maybe today will be better than yesterday...i have to make it work. its all i have.....
fucking depressed. want to cry again, but i odnt want the headache. not a good way to start such a long work day.........